Shoot me the pot and I’ll pour me a shot

The other day I had 5 cups of coffee and I felt like my heart was going to explode. It used to be that I could sleep 3 hours a night, drink 3 cups of coffee a day, and function well enough to get all the stuff I had to get done done. I’m beginning to feel old.

Pardon the direct quote, but this is from Ask Dr. Science, a radio show:

Dear Doctor Science,
Why is it that after not sleeping for two weeks and drinking only coffee, I am able to see demons and control nature and fly and stuff like that?
— Brian Brunschoen from Portland , OR

Because lack of sleep and extreme caffeine consumption allow you to become the person you were truly meant to be: a self-deluded narcissist with an eating disorder. It’s only by getting to know our real selves that we can claim the power that is due us. Some people might encourage you to sleep or eat, but they’re just jealous, and wish they had your ability to see demons and fly. Oh sure, the circumstances of your life, or incarceration, might mean that you would do well to play along with their silly little games, but you and I know what you’re really up to. When you drink coffee, make sure you drink only the very best, Ethiopian Harrarrarrarraar, brewed with distilled water and just a hint
of chromium dioxide.


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One thought on “Shoot me the pot and I’ll pour me a shot

  1. Oh, shut up. Just shut up. “I’m feeling old” indeed. When you have pieces of metal lodged in your leg because your connective tissue decided one day to crap out on you, when your tolerance for alcohol drops to two glasses of wine a week, when you can’t stay up past 11:30 at night without the aid of powerful and possibly illegal stimulants, and when you can speak, without irony, of how nice it would be to get a family-sized vehicle, then come back and talk to me about getting old.

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