Crumpets, those most holey of breakfast buns, are to be enjoyed with butter, jam, or marmelade. I, being the transgressive fool that I am, couldn’t be bothered to root around in the fridge for these divine spreads and instead took out the cream cheese. Oh sacrilege! Forgive me, Crumpet Gods, I knew not what I did!

Attend, my fellow breakfasters! Cream cheese does not make everything taste better. If you wish to rise at the final crumpet’s call, heed not not the siren song of Philadelphia, for it is the path to everlasting queasiness!

Our Crumpet in Refrigeration, hallowed be thy name, thy toasting come, thy top be spread at breakfast as it is in Heaven.